I'm a perfectionist with a touch of non-diagnosed obsessive compulsive disorder who's always had a knack for writing, criticism, and explanation. As a social studies teacher, I've graded hundreds of page-long (and longer) essays, leaving feedback, asking questions, and scribbling grammatical corrections and notes in between the lines and in the margins. Many red pens have withered and ran dry in and at my hand. Many students' self-confidences have been shattered, only to have those students rebuilt into better writers. Now I'm offering my services, however brutal, to you. I can't guarantee you'll feel good about yourself after how many changes I make to your work (you'll probably weep a bit), but I can promise to make your writing better. If you're brave enough and willing to risk feeling true shame, I implore you to employ me and utilize my skills and services.
I require a day or two to proofread your work. Let's be honest: if you're needing criticism and revision in less than 24 hours, you probably rushed this writing and should probably be paying me more. The 500 word limit is soft, by the way. Ballpark it.
(Now that I've proofread this about eight times, I'll press submit)