"Welcome to our site. We carry a wide range of umbrellas that we feel are sure to peak your fancy. In business since 2007, our company has won many awards for consistent umbrella production from organizations such ..."
That's OK, but it doesn't pull you right into the action. Let’s shift focus to the site visitor, trim out extraneous words and talk benefits:
"Your hair is soaked, your clothes are dripping and you're wondering why you didn't check weather.com before dashing out the door without your umbrella. If that just happened, you're in luck because that blue button you're looking at opens the door to umbrella city.”
In the rewrite, we dived right in, painted a visual picture that engaged the visitor's senses, presented a problem and offered a solution. By using imagery, imagination, BREVITY, sparkle words that sizzle, compelling subheads and other techniques, we can increase the odds that people who visit us will stick around to get to know us.